I woke up at 2 am this morning. Unable to fall asleep, I lay there crying, praying, thinking about my little baby being cared for by a babysitter. I lay there in the darkness, listening to my baby's soft breath as she slept in her little, white bassinet... and I wondered 'why?'
Why does God want me to walk this rocky road of leaving my baby for a full day of work... how can she survive, how can I survive? Why do I need to go this way again, she is my 3rd baby girl and I had to leave the other two when they turned 4 months, and now her.. Why? What is the lesson here? I kept asking the dark night... please answer me my Lord... the night was quiet.
On Monday was my last day home, and I cherished the day with my girls. The wonderful stories my 4 year old can tell me and the questions that she asks to broaden her world. The funny way my 2 year old says her words and the crying/demanding stage that she is going through now. The sweet baby in my arms, nursing and smiling in happiness at me. I prepared the things I would need to have ready for today, like the pump for pumping breast milk. My purse, and all the clothes ready for my girls and myself. My heart was so heavy, I wanted to cry, I was feeling out of breath like I was getting an anxiety attack. Nothing I did brought me comfort, not even reading every body's 'not me Mondays'.... After the kids went to bed, I asked God, what He was trying to teach me, for I know nothing happens just because. There is always a lesson in our daily life. I needed to know if God is telling me something. If He will show me a sign. To show me that He loves me. I started reading Psalm 33...
'Sing joyfully to the lord... sing to him a new song', I felt so sad, and he wants me to sing? To praise Him? I don't know if I could.
'From heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind; from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth- he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do.' He formed my heart? that's a comfort... I thought maybe I love to deep, I care to strongly, I am so attached to my children. Maybe feeling like this is not normal, maybe I am just too selfish.
'I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.'
'The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all...'
Such beautiful promises, but my faith is so weak... its hard for me to believe. I wonder if this is the way my Lord wants to teach me to trust in Him. To increase my faith in Him. His promises kept dancing in my mind as I tried to sleep.
It was hard today to go to work. Don't get me wrong, I like where I work, my coworkers are great, but I would rather be home with my girls than at work. It felt empty to me, useless. The baby was crying with the babysitter and would not calm down. I drove to see her on my break, and left early to go home.. it was just too hard for me emotionally and physically. I don't know, maybe I am just over dramatic, but today was just not a good day for me.
I hope tomorrow will be better, and I am still looking for answers to all my questions. Still looking for the light in this dark tunnel.