Sunday, April 5, 2009


What makes us sad? What is this feeling that squeezes our hearts? That could make us cry uncontrollable tears? That pulls us down to our knees....? Sadness.
I bet Eve was the first one to feel this feeling when she was banished from Eden, and when she found out that her son was dead. The first tears, the anguish, the despair... From then on it continues- not missing a single person. It knocks on our doors and like an unwelcome guest spreads the dark clouds, the coldness, the salt tears.
It all starts in childhood, a broken toy, then a broken heart, a broken marriage. Some things we can easily fix and forget the tears, while others take longer to mend, to heal, for us to feel happy again. Sometimes we gather the sadness to ourselves like a heavy blanket not willing to let it go, to forgive, to move on. We don't let ourselves be happy again, we don't think we deserve it.
I felt sadness numerous times. When my brother drowned, when my grandma and grandpa died, when I had a miscarriage. As well as from simple things, a harsh word, losing contact with a friend, flowers wilting, a dead bird.
Today I am happy, I feel fulfilled. I love staying home with my 3 little girls, watching them grow, not missing a single thing. What makes me sad is that with this economy I will have to probably go back to work in a few weeks.... and that makes me sad, I don't want to leave my 4 month old with a babysitter, as well as my older girls. Why should someone else have the pleasure of raising my kids, of watching them do things, of feeding my baby? It makes me a little mad, but mostly I feel a deep sadness.
Lucky you, if you are able to raise your children yourself, and you are stay at home mom. You are so blessed!!!

1 comment:

  1. I pray for you that somehow God will work in your family, and do wonders, allowing you to stay with your girls, enjoying their sweet presence. God bless.


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