Blue.

I count my blessings when my heart feels sad.... there is so much beauty, so much sweetness around me, but I am sad that I have to go back to work after my maternity leave has ended. My little one is used to fall asleep as he nurses, his little chubby fingers holding on to my shirt. I would rather stay home and be a homemaker, then a full time employee at a large company. But I have hope that One day my husband will have a good job, and I will stay home with my little ones. Its a simple hope, and while we live we always can hope. Hope, imagine it in your future, keep positive, and it will happen. We live by faith and not by facts. God does amazing things even now. My sadness is nothing compared to some families I read about. My heart and prayer goes to this family: http://prayforian.com/

Life in general... is it always busy?

Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us and the art of life is to the message. (Malcolm Muggeridge)

I have been kind of busy lately.. My nineteen year old sister is visiting me from Missouri, and there hasn't been much time for me to enjoy my blogger friends. :)) Well life goes on, work, housework, laundry, cooking, gardening, decorating, and going on little family trips.. enjoying the beautiful weather we are having. I have been so busy that at night I get insomnia, with all kinds of thoughts swirling in my head, waking me from my dreams.

Some days I still fight the avalanche of depression, the darkness, the sadness... especially if I have to work long hours. Not believing in taking the anti-depressants I fall to my knees with the heaviness of my load and petition God to help me. To heal me, to shine his light into my soul, to pour down his sweet love, to comfort me. He does. How wonderful to have this awesome God we can turn to, in our darkest hour. When our hearts are torn and bleeding.

Its amazing to be loved by our heavenly Father. I read somewhere that we as humans, usually compare the heavenly father to our human fathers. Its nice when we have great dads, but when we don't... we need to realize that God is love. He will never hurt us, but heal us. I am so thankful for being found by Him and to be his daughter. It would be amazing to see Him face to face. Will you be ready when He comes again?

I dont want to work....

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you; therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. (Isaiah 30:18)

Constant praying, constant petition to God.
'Help me, please can you hear me. I need you. I am in a dark place now, my soul is troubled. When will I see the light, when will I hear your voice, I need you, please hold me. Jesus, will I ever be out of this darkness, where I can see the light, and praise you?'
God wants us to praise him even in our darkest hour. He wants us to raise our hands to him in our neediest time. The constant prayer does miracles. Its is alive. Like the smoke that rises from the fire all the way to the heavens, that is our prayer the constant adding of wood into the main fire, and the cry rises to heavens to God above. I know God hears my prayer, but someday it seams that the heavens are deaf. No one can help me, or understand me. My husband is not on my side. Only God is. And I need his guidance, his wisdom in how to survive, in how to live. How to be happy in the times of troubles, how to raise my children when I am working full time.

That is one of my biggest worries, my kids. I am not there for them, I am gone from early morning to late evenings, earning money for our family to survive, to have a health insurance and helping my husband financially. What if my kids grow up mother deprived, and resent me for it the rest of their life? My heart is with my kids and not my job. Everyday I wish to stay with my girls, to love them, to care for them, to be home with them. My heart is breaking into little pieces.
'God please heal my broken heart.' My comfort is that in heavens when we all go to be with Jesus, there will not be heartache, he will wipe away all our tears. Someday I feel like a broken record that keeps playing the same old song over and over. My husband is sick of hearing it. I am sick of hearing it. I just wish things were better and different. I should stop wishing and just pray more.:))

Forms the hearts of all.

I woke up at 2 am this morning. Unable to fall asleep, I lay there crying, praying, thinking about my little baby being cared for by a babysitter. I lay there in the darkness, listening to my baby's soft breath as she slept in her little, white bassinet... and I wondered 'why?'

Why does God want me to walk this rocky road of leaving my baby for a full day of work... how can she survive, how can I survive? Why do I need to go this way again, she is my 3rd baby girl and I had to leave the other two when they turned 4 months, and now her.. Why? What is the lesson here? I kept asking the dark night... please answer me my Lord... the night was quiet.

On Monday was my last day home, and I cherished the day with my girls. The wonderful stories my 4 year old can tell me and the questions that she asks to broaden her world. The funny way my 2 year old says her words and the crying/demanding stage that she is going through now. The sweet baby in my arms, nursing and smiling in happiness at me. I prepared the things I would need to have ready for today, like the pump for pumping breast milk. My purse, and all the clothes ready for my girls and myself. My heart was so heavy, I wanted to cry, I was feeling out of breath like I was getting an anxiety attack. Nothing I did brought me comfort, not even reading every body's 'not me Mondays'.... After the kids went to bed, I asked God, what He was trying to teach me, for I know nothing happens just because. There is always a lesson in our daily life. I needed to know if God is telling me something. If He will show me a sign. To show me that He loves me. I started reading Psalm 33...

'Sing joyfully to the lord... sing to him a new song', I felt so sad, and he wants me to sing? To praise Him? I don't know if I could.

'From heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind; from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth- he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do.' He formed my heart? that's a comfort... I thought maybe I love to deep, I care to strongly, I am so attached to my children. Maybe feeling like this is not normal, maybe I am just too selfish.

'I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.'

'The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all...'

Such beautiful promises, but my faith is so weak... its hard for me to believe. I wonder if this is the way my Lord wants to teach me to trust in Him. To increase my faith in Him. His promises kept dancing in my mind as I tried to sleep.

It was hard today to go to work. Don't get me wrong, I like where I work, my coworkers are great, but I would rather be home with my girls than at work. It felt empty to me, useless. The baby was crying with the babysitter and would not calm down. I drove to see her on my break, and left early to go home.. it was just too hard for me emotionally and physically. I don't know, maybe I am just over dramatic, but today was just not a good day for me.

I hope tomorrow will be better, and I am still looking for answers to all my questions. Still looking for the light in this dark tunnel.

The winds of change.

Its tough to experience change. Its part of our lives, and it never stops. There is always something changing, forming, bringing something new into our lives. Sometimes change is painful, stressful, and hard. Sometimes its unexpected, unpredictable or sudden. From early childhood everything changes, we mature, finish school, fall in love, get married, get pregnant and have babies. It all brings change to us, sometimes its happy change like having a baby, sometimes its sad, like leaving the baby in the babysitters hands while you go back to work. This is the change I am going through or will be going through next week. The emotions are so strong its overwhelming. I feel stressed, scared, not sure if I should leave my 4 month old child with the babysitter. Will she be getting her naps, will she be fed? Will her diaper be changed? will she be held and rocked and kissed? And loved. Only I can do that. Only I can feel what she needs at every moment of her little life. Will this scar her for life? The funny thing is this is my 3rd child, and I went through the same emotions with the 1st two girls. I was worried sick. I was depressed for a month. I couldn’t eat. I cried driving to work each day for a long time. I flew home after each workday missing them so- so much. I felt like such a bad parent. I felt stressed and torn with working full time and having a house to keep, and children to raise, and a husband to love. That could be a little too much to handle. I survived the first 2 times. Will I survive with this 3rd child? I assume I will too, as soon as I adjust and get used to it. The human race can get used to anything, it just takes time.

I believe the change lets us grow into a stronger, smarter person. Its all in how we handle difficult times, how we go through our days, how we learn and respond to change. I cant blame my husband for not earning enough money to support me and my kids. I cant complain and be bitter at life. God is in charge. He knows my heart, my sadness, my worries. He knows what path I am going to embark on and He knows where the rocks are that will make me stumble and fall. That’s why I need to hold on to His hand and not let go, have my heart and eyes on Him only and I will survive. We will get through this.

So let the winds of change blow over the path in my life. The dust will not blind me, God’s healing rain will grow flowers in my path. Will you pray for me?

Sadness...

What makes us sad? What is this feeling that squeezes our hearts? That could make us cry uncontrollable tears? That pulls us down to our knees....? Sadness.
I bet Eve was the first one to feel this feeling when she was banished from Eden, and when she found out that her son was dead. The first tears, the anguish, the despair... From then on it continues- not missing a single person. It knocks on our doors and like an unwelcome guest spreads the dark clouds, the coldness, the salt tears.
It all starts in childhood, a broken toy, then a broken heart, a broken marriage. Some things we can easily fix and forget the tears, while others take longer to mend, to heal, for us to feel happy again. Sometimes we gather the sadness to ourselves like a heavy blanket not willing to let it go, to forgive, to move on. We don't let ourselves be happy again, we don't think we deserve it.
I felt sadness numerous times. When my brother drowned, when my grandma and grandpa died, when I had a miscarriage. As well as from simple things, a harsh word, losing contact with a friend, flowers wilting, a dead bird.
Today I am happy, I feel fulfilled. I love staying home with my 3 little girls, watching them grow, not missing a single thing. What makes me sad is that with this economy I will have to probably go back to work in a few weeks.... and that makes me sad, I don't want to leave my 4 month old with a babysitter, as well as my older girls. Why should someone else have the pleasure of raising my kids, of watching them do things, of feeding my baby? It makes me a little mad, but mostly I feel a deep sadness.
Lucky you, if you are able to raise your children yourself, and you are stay at home mom. You are so blessed!!!